"Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born." - Erma Bombeck

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." - Erma Bombeck

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

"I have a "carpe diem" mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet." - Joanne Sherman

"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places." - Mark Twain

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs

"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito." - Betty Reese

"Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure." - Unknown

"If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear." - Winnie the Pooh

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Bombeck