"God created man, but I could do better." - Erma Bombeck

"Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip." - Erma Bombeck

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat." - Erma Bombeck

"I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill." - Erma Bombeck

"A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest." - Erma Bombeck

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." - Erma Bombeck

"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow." - Erma Bombeck

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday." - Erma Bombeck

"Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you." - Erma Bombeck

"Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him." - Erma Bombeck