"Dad - Ask him when Mom says no." - Unknown

"My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass." "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys." - Harmon Killebrew

"(How to put a diaper on a baby) Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again." - Jimmy Piersal

"The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get." - Tim Russert

"One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be." - Anonymous

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope." - Bill Cosby

"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong." - Charles Wadsworth

"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." - Jack Handey